There are members of a tribe in Malaysia who value their dreams so dearly they come together every morning and share them over cups of tea. The dreams they value the most are the ones where they are being chased! They actually train themselves to stop running, turn around and face whatever is chasing them in their dream and say, “You must have something very important to say. What is it that you want me to know? I’m listening!”
Most of us will adamantly decline any invitation to meet our fear. We’d rather run away, hide, avoid, resist, numb, distract, deny, lash out, become aggressive, fake bravery, play dead… anything other than actually have a face-to-face with fear!
Why? Well, we weren’t taught how to engage with our fear as children or had role models who worked with their fears in a helpful way, so it makes sense why we don’t want to have anything to do with it. Fear is to be feared. But unexplored fear is what is really scary and can become dangerous to our health and well-being. It shapes how we relate to ourselves; it shapes how we relate to others and to the world around us.
Super Strength and Saber-tooths
First, it’s important to review what fear is and what we know about it as a biological survival response.
When we are in real or perceived danger, our brain sets off a fight-or-flight alarm system, triggering our adrenals to release a flood of hormones, including adrenaline and cortisol, which increases our heart rate and blood pressure to drive us into action. We are hard-wired to survive. This is handy when being stalked by a saber-toothed tiger or when we need to lift a 4,000 pound car off of a child trapped beneath it, but where we get into serious trouble is when our flight/fight response never shuts off. Our cortisol levels remain elevated, potentially contributing to the risk of depression, anxiety, hypertension and many other illnesses.
Once we rule out that there is no obvious external threat, we can dare ourselves to interact with our fear. Like the Malaysian tribe members, we can practice how to stop and listen—to not try and outrun fear, but to look into its eyes and ask it what it wants to say to us in words.
Inviting Your Fear in for Tea
Whether taking my workshops on fear or working with me in private practice, my clients are often surprised to find out that what fear has to share with them is usually never scary at all. The moment we are willing to explore fear, we change our relationship to it.
At the beginning of my career as a psychotherapist, I lived in New York City and worked with a community being devastated by HIV and AIDS. There was so little we understood about the virus in those early days. Fear was palpable and ever-present. Humbled by the magnitude of loss, weekly healing circles were created where the community could come together and share quietly, or out loud, its fears. For many of us, including myself, it was the first time we gave fear a voice and engaged with it in a productive way.
One workshop I took at the time was with Ram Dass (aka Richard Alpert), a Harvard-trained psychologist, author and spiritual teacher. He shared a story about how he had unsuccessfully tried a wide variety of therapeutic models in an attempt to rid himself of his “neuroses.” After accepting that his neuroses weren’t going anywhere, he decided to invite them in for tea!
You may not be ready to invite fear into your home for tea—not quite yet, anyway. But, you might be willing to meet fear for a walk around the block.
I’m happy to go on that walk with you. In addition to offering you my experience, safety and support, I can also offer you simple, practical tools on how to work with fear. In the process you may learn to feel more confident and skillful in meeting your fear on your terms. You may even discover that fear can be an ally and a dynamic catalyst for deeper self-understanding and desired change.
Self-reflection exercise
Think of a time when you were scared to do something but you did it anyway. What part of you got you through it? Did you accept outside support? What were the results? What did you learn about yourself?
Comments