“The best advice I ever got was from my dad, who said when I’m confused as to which truth to listen to in my head, pick the most kind truth.” Dodie
One of the reasons I love about working with millennial clients is that they keep me up on music and pop culture. I learned about the wonderfully quirky, talented, English singer-songwriter and author, Dodie, from a 21-year-old Danish client. Dodie shares very openly about her struggles with mental illness. In doing so, she not only helped my client feel less alone and weird, but has helped many other young people feel less alone and weird, too.
There’s one Dodie story that especially hits home for me. When Dodie hears nagging voices of self-doubt in her mind, and she goes back and forth about which voice to listen to, she remembers the advice of her father: “pick the most kind truth.” Here’s the charming Dodie sharing that sweet story in a YouTube interview about the one minute mark.
Thanks to my wise and wonderful client, and thanks to Dodie, I have shared the “pick the kinder truth” story dozens of times. It’s such lovely advice, both wise and practical. I think we can all relate to times when our thoughts become so overwhelming and confusing we don’t know which thought to listen to.
Of course, picking the kinder truth can be easier said than done. Particularly, when we have louder voices in our head that are anything but kind.
For as long as I can remember, I’ve had the tendency to get down on myself. I’m particularly sensitive around messing up. It’s a perfectionistic thing that I’ve worked on my whole life. After years of using helpful tools, I have learned not to batter myself with old harsh negative self-talk, and rather turn to understanding and forgiving thoughts. Yet, there are still moments when my insecurity stirs awake this primordial sleeping beast who rises up from the swamp, biting and clutching my feet to carry me back into the deep, dark water.
“But wait!” I plead. “I’ve been in the field of psychology for decades! I have degrees, attended dozens of workshops and trainings. I know mindfulness techniques, practice self-care. I know the difference between nurturing, kind thoughts from those that are hurtful, self-critical, shaming. I know how to choose a kinder truth about myself. For heaven’s sake, I teach this stuff!”
When I become immersed in this type of inner dialogue debate, I am thwacked in the head by the relentless power of core beliefs.
Core beliefs are seeded inside of us from the world around us, usually from our earliest years—in explicit and implicit messages, behaviors, attitudes and words from our parents, family, culture, religion and society. It’s what we’re conditioned to believe about ourselves. Our core beliefs contribute significantly to how we see ourselves and our universe.
One very simplistic way to understand core beliefs is to see them as helpful or unhelpful.
Our positive or helpful core beliefs are the ones that have been instrumental in helping us shape the parts of our life that work so beautifully or have become a reliable source of support and resiliency when we go through tough times. A positive core belief may be, “I’m a survivor. I got this.” Or, “I’m a caring person. I value who I am.” You could say, it’s a kind truth or belief about yourself.
Then there’s our unhelpful core beliefs, which we often know all too well.
Our unhelpful core beliefs are the ones that can restrict and limit us from living our lives in an engaged and fulfilling way. Unhelpful or negative core beliefs can even have a seductive quality about them, simply because they are old, familiar and comfortable. An example would be, “I don’t have any worth,” or, “I’m unwanted,” or, “I’m not lovable.” You could say, it’s an unkind belief or thought about yourself.
Believe it or not, negative core beliefs are the ones that I encourage my clients to invite into their therapy session… where they can be seen and heard.
Working with our negative core beliefs may seem like a terrifying endeavor. You may be wondering, “why the heck do I want to engage with an ugly swamp creature who wants to swallow me whole? And what’s the point anyway? After all, isn’t this the way I am and always have been? How can I change me, even if I want to?”
The good news is that we can change. When we take the time to understand and interact with these old thought patterns and make them more conscious, we can catch them when they arise and change them from an automatic response to one that is intentional.
"Your mind is a garden, your thoughts are the seeds, the harvest can either be flowers or weeds."
William Wordsworth
In the counseling world, there are many therapeutic approaches that address and work with thought patterns and core beliefs, but many only focus on fixing symptoms. One of the pluses of being a therapist for so many years is that I’ve collected a repertoire of resources and exercises. That way, when my clients leave therapy, they not only have been able to process and integrate difficult feelings, and arrive at productive insights (yes…even about their negative core beliefs), but have learned practical tools that they can continue to use in their life.
What’s so incredibly exciting is that through brain research we can now see how new neuropathways are created when we work with our thoughts intentionally. In fact, there’s new research on how being kind to ourselves and each other has a direct effect on our physical, mental and emotional health, individually and collectively. You can read about this research being gathered by UCLA’s Bedari Kindness Institute here.
When we understand that our unhelpful or negative core beliefs are little more than a result of habit, we feel empowered because habits can be changed. It’s hard work, especially at first. It’s like when we begin any new kind of physical exercise. Our body hurts because we’re using muscles we don’t ordinarily use. But our hard work and commitment will pay off as our newly developed physical and emotional muscles foster strength, flexibility and agility.
Circling back to Dodie’s father’s advice, whenever you find yourself debating between which core belief to listen to – your unhelpful/negative vs your helpful/positive one, ask yourself, which core belief is the kinder one and chose it!
Self-reflection exercise:
Picking the Kinder Truth
Just as important as it is to work with our core beliefs that limit us, it’s important to acknowledge and appreciate the ones that are positive and self-empowering. Write down three core beliefs you have about yourself that you appreciate. If you have trouble doing this, ask someone whom you trust and ask them to tell you three things that they appreciate about you. If you choose to ask someone who knows you well and cares about you very much, notice how you respond when they share what they appreciate about you. Do you accept what they say easily and graciously or do you dismiss, disagree or debunk what they say? If you do the latter, it may lead you to one of your negative or unhelpful core beliefs.
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